Immortal Turtles

Turtles - in addition to psychically being able to predict the weather - are practically immortal. In Great Britain a turtle who was documented to be two hundred and sixty two years old recently passed on. No particular cause of death was given. The reason turtles are so long lived is that they don't have cellular aging the same way most other mammals, that is they don't have the little teleomeres at the end of their cells that wear out as the cells divide.

Evolutionarily speaking, turtles are about the only animal where there is a reproductive advantage to having older parents. The advantage is that the female turtle gains experience in learning the best places to lay eggs that are safe from predators so that the older turtle parents actually have more surviving offspring. Mostly it's just the opposite with most species where it's more advantageous to breed young, breed often, then die.

So that's the way it is with turtles. What about humans? We don't live as long as turtles, but we live longer than anything else that has a heart beep. Anyways, on Sixty Minutes there was a doctor who does 'age management medicine', that is, he prescribes for his patients a level of hormone supplementation equivelant to a youthful human. The Doctor was sixty seven years old and as far as his physique: he looked pretty good. Apparently he's been a life-long body-builder and his body looked like that of a thirty or so year old body-builder. His skin looked pretty leathery and weather-beaten, but other than that he had a real spring in his step.

Supplementing hormones isn't new, but it's sort of been in the closet, mostly Hollywood stars have been hip to this. There was a book by a Doctor named Regelson called The Super Hormone promise that described this. Basically it's sort of the same as using steroids, but only to the point where they would have been normally. So far there's no real proof that it extends life at all, but it does seem to extend vitality. Dr. Regelson has, by the way, passed on and I can't find out exactly what happened. He was an old guy, for sure, but not a super old guy.

Speaking of which, have you seen Barry Bonds lately? Now that he's off the steroids he looks an awful lot like Kirby Puckett right before Kirby said Goodbye forever. Barry doesn't look like the former buff athlete that he did before the testosterone. He looks like a chubby middle-aged man - which come to think of it, is what he is. Bonds is dispairing of ever surpassing Hank Aaron's home-run record, complaining of physical stuff, like a knee injury, shoulder injury and ... oh, no steroids.

He should be allowed to get them. In fact, all athletes should be allowed to put whatever they want into their bodies so they can be the best they can be. It's their bodies and if they're willing to risk their health and their lives to break world records and become very rich in the process then let's let them do it. It'll be a whole bunch more entertaining and we won't have to spend a dime anymore on testing or pretending we care about testing.

I think I really would like to see government sponsored hormone supplementation for all senior citizens. The one thing that supplementing with hormones does is repair and rebuild tissue, and frailty is a major cause of disability in our aging population. Probably it won't extend life much, and certainly not maximum life span, but it will for sure extend the vibrant part of life. Plus - and this might be my real reason - I'd just love to see eighty year old men bench-pressing four hundred pounds.

Chinese Organ Harvesters

I saw this ad about Chinese organ harvesting - in Discover, I think - and I had to wonder how much of a problem it really is. What the Chinese do is they execute their condemned prisoners with a bullet in the head to carefully make sure that the rest of the body is useful. Then they sell it off for what they can get. We in America like to think that all Chinese that are condemned to die must be Democratic political activists or incarcerated for other noble political reasons, but most likely they're murderers and rapists and other scumbags death penalty proponents would say deserve it. Not all of them, of course, but more guilty than innocent I'm sure - just like here in America. Some innocent get killed - just like in America.

The 'spare parts' argument for the death penalty is a new one in my book. Sure the Chinese have been doing it for years, but now in America there's been talk about not wasting the valuable organs and body parts that go with the life we take. For example, there was a guy killed in Illisnois who wanted to give his liver to his sister after he died(they didn't let him). There was another more recent one where the condemned was allowed to give up a kidney to a sibling before he was executed. And I think some prisoners are allowed to donate organs on their death like the rest of us are allowed to. The difference is that we don't know exactly when it is that we might make that donation, and they do.

There's a lot of money in human body parts. Healthy tissues and organs go for a lot of money, especially after they've been processed into useful products for the American marketplace. So, where there's a lot of money there's also going to be a lot of crime. Believe it or not there's sprung up a new business in body thiefs. Former Masterpiece theater host Aleister Cooke had his ninety five year old bones stolen after his death.

I once read an icky science fiction story along the lines of what the Chinese are actually doing. This story was set in a dystopian future world where there was an authoritarian government who would punish especially despised dissidents by rendering them for spare parts to be transplanted. But - here's the icky part - they kept these people alive while they slowly dismembered them and removed the various organs that were needed so that in the end they would be limbless, sightless, and only had enough parts to keep them barely going. Then they would finally kill them and use what was left.

There was another novel along the same lines only this time it was entire human bodies. In this semi-dystopina future everybody had to take IQ tests and if you scored below a certain level then you had to give up your body when you were twenty eight years old to somebody old and smart, who would then have his brain transplanted into it. Needless to say, there are some huge flaws with this scenario and I can't help but wonder why more dumb twenty-eight year olds didn't complain more about this. The book had them grumbling a bit, but not near enough where it should have been. Still, I recall enjoying this book because as improbable as it seems, that's why it's called fiction.

America has so far seemed to shy away from the Chinese model of slaughtering citizens for profit. Speaking from an economic standpoint, it just wouldn't work. We spend millions and millions of dollars on each person we execute - almost all of that in court costs, appeals and such. To incarcerate one person costs on average fifty thousand dollars a year, which, optimistically is less than could be made off of them. You'd think that it would make sense for us to allow deathrow inmates to donate organs voluntarily - and I can see that. People being executed are still human beings and they still have humanitarian and compassionate impulses, maybe even wanting some good to come out of their deaths. Mostly, in America, we believe in executing all of the person and that means every single part of them. If their heart's still beating in somebody else, that's not really justice, is it?

Judas, Best Disciple ... Ever

The Gospel of Judas has just been discovered - in Egypt - I believe. This was one of those controversial gnostic gospels belonging to one of the early versions of Christianity that eventually lost out to the one we have now. It was long rumored that Judas had his own Gospel and you'll probably not be so surprised to find out that he doesn't come out as such a bad fellow in this one. It makes sense. If there were a Gospel of Steve I can guarantee that I wouldn't come across as such a bad fellow either.

In the Gospel of Judas, Judas actually does not betray Christ for the thirty pieces of silver, but rather he does so under explicit directions from Jesus himself. Since prophecy had said that Jesus must be crucified and so they wanted to make sure that it happened it was arranged that Judas would do it. The manuscript itself is in pretty rough shape and has a bunch of gaps, but I guess it's clear enough what happened.

There are many, many different versions of Gospels and ancient Christian writing which disagree thoroughly with canonical writing. In fact, because every word written back in those days had to be copied by a scribe there are no two versions of anything that actually agree with each other, because every single scribe messed something up at some point or other. The Canon of Christianity were not determined by exhaustive searches to see which ones were most historically accurate, but rather which ones agreed most with the winner's theology. And if they didn't - they were rewritten.

Some of these versions read like bad soap operas - you know, Jesus faked his own death, he actually had a secret family, or (my favorite) it was actually his twin brother that was crucified. The thing is: these all came from the second, third, or fourth centuries so they aren't recent inventions at all. And how do we know which really was right?

I like to believe that Jesus faked his own death, like in the DaVinci code. And, yes, there is evidence of that. Of course, Holy Blood, Holy Grail does a swell job of making the point, but I just think about the Gospel stories of Jesus sightings after his crucifixion - his body disappears and then he's seen up and about talking to different people showing off his nail-holes. If that happened in modern times people would think that he hadn't died at all. Just like Elvis never really died at all. Also, I happened to come across a citation in the Twelve Caesers (by Suetonius) where it's mentioned that the Jews were rioting in Rome under the instigation of Christ under the reign of Claudius, when we all know he was supposed to have been executed under Tiberius.

Okay. That's getting a bit too academic.

Now, I've got to say I was a little bit bugged that the authors of Holy Blood, Holy Grail had sued Dan Brown, the author of The DaVinci Code for stealing his ideas from them. Excuse me, boys, you're telling everybody that the stuff in your book - Holy Blood, Holy Grail is history, how on Earth can people steal what you're saying is the true account of what really happened?
Well, they can't. And I think the jury ruled correctly on this one.

But by all means buy and read Holy Blood, Holy Grail. It's very convincing if only because it puts the times into a commonsense perspective. Like, the point that Jesus probably did have a family because it would have been extremely weird for the times for him to have been thirty and never married - or even dating, for crying out loud. Back in those times, in that place, every marriage was an arranged one and they married young - fourteen for males.

As far as the Gospel of Judas ... I don't know. I think Judas probably couldn't have been such a bad guy. Because what was his motivation, really, to betray Jesus? Why would he do such a thing? It's not like he could have taken over the organization if he got the Lord out of the way. Nobody was saying that Judas was next in line to be messiah. No, it was definitely in his interest to keep Christ fit and healthy - unless as the Judas Gospel says he was told to go to the Romans.

Rexroi, starring Seth Green and Bruce Campbell

I had posted all of Rexroi (my new novel) on-line, but all I have now are the first eleven chapters, which is really a lot if you ask me. You know, we are talking free here. The reason I did this was that an ebook publisher in Australia picked it up, so that's where it's going to be available in about a month or so - on-line, not Australia. Well, it will be available in Australia, maybe even especially Australia. But not only in Australia - ahhh, you know what I'm saying.

Eleven Chapters compromises about the 'first act' of the story, so I thought that was a good place to leave off.

I guess I'm feeling a bit guilty about removing the last two thirds of the book. I noticed that somebody in Pakistan had spent a whole bunch of time on the free book site, but not enough time to actually read the entire thing. I'm worried that he was planning on reading the rest later and he can't anymore. And that bothers me a bit. I would sure hate to think that my one fan in Pakistan hates me or thinks I'm a dick - I'm not. It was just that I knew that it was going to be commercially available in about a month and I wasn't going to give it away anymore.

You see, I posted it for nothing because it's such a wonderful book that I wanted as many people as possible to read it. I still do; the only difference is that I'll be getting a little support so that I can write even more wonderful books.

You want me to write more wonderful books, don't you?

Anyways, the link to the free chapters (Eleven, Baby) is on my sidebar to the right. I've been having some problems with the sidebar so that it goes all the way to the very, very bottom of the page. It's still there, but I don't know why it does this. If anybody has any ideas could you drop me a line? I'm not the most tech savvy fellow around, but I'm also not the least. At any rate, you can never be too obvious when talking to me. Just keep that in mind.

Somehow, I got into this e-mail group Books to Film, which I thought was going to be helpful since Rexroi will make a fantastic movie. Of course, I couldn't help casting this movie in my mind and I have (in my imagination) cast Seth Green in the main role of Gary 'Kid Guy' Gates.
Please go to the link and read some chapters and tell me if I'm not absolutely right and he wouldn't be unbelievable in this role. The problem is that the character is twenty two years old and Seth is ten years older than that. He could play the role brilliantly, but he's going to start showing his age any day and he'll lose out on a role that was made only for him.

Okay. Seth has the lead. But who else will be in it - what Big name Stars?

In my imagination, I also cast Bruce Campbell as Montaigne, the naked spy. That character hasn't shown up in the first eleven chapters so you can't give me any input on that one, sorry to say. Little Kid Guy's girlfriend, Suzie, I thought could be played by Lindsay Lohan; she would also be absolutely brilliant. Even in my imagination, I don't know if the producers could meet her price, so that role might go to another promising up and comer. John Marriot could be played by any dumb male model - I don't have an opinion on that one. Kristin Cavallari would be his girlfriend Ashley because she seems to have the sweet blankness required.

I never saw her in Laguna Beach so I can't say that I've even heard her talk. I've seen her a lot in magazines and tabloids and I hear she is going to be in an actual movie role. You know what? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that whatever movie it is she's going to be in (I can't remember what it was) Kristin Cavallari will do unexpectedly well at it. Here's why: She's young and plastic and docile. She'll take instruction excellently.

Amanda the stripper might be played by Carmen Electra or - in a bit of bold casting - Sara Michelle Gellar could do it. If Buffy got the role then her husband Freddy Prinz could be one of the fraternity brothers, I'm thinking Joe the fraternity president. Speaking of which: I don't have any of the other brothers cast in my mind. I'm thinking up and coming young studs, maybe not even name studs.

Finally, Heinrich the sinister hairdresser will be played by Jeremy Irons. That's another character who doesn't show up until later. But he's important. And I'd like to see Jeremy in the movie since I've been told that I resemble him - in that Cronenberg film where he plays gynecologist twins.

There are some other important parts I haven't gotten to yet. Give me your suggestions and I'll see if I can fit them into my imaginary movie casting. If - for some reason - you happen to know any of these people that I cast, go ahead and tell them about the fabulous movie that they could be in.

Give me your tired, your poor, your ... On Second thought, Don't

A woman I worked for who was forty two, heavy, and slightly bearded met a Mexican man fifteen years her junior who, within a month, proposed to her. She accepted quite readily since there was no way she was going to do any better. Then they got married. I think no one is going to be surprised to discover that he was in this country illegally - Gasp! My co-worker you might guess from my description was no prize (she thought she was. Nope) And you might think to yourself that she must have had a good heart - nope. No good heart, either.

When I think about how great America is I think of that poor Mexican. He sure did have to pay a price to live and work in this country. He still is, I imagine - every horrible, ghastly night of his dreadful existence. That of course is in addition to the fine he had to pay - two grand, I believe - to make up for being here illegally. This guy had some strange job I'd never heard of: he was a traveling plastic welder for government wetlands, which paid twenty five bucks an hour. That was according to his seldom honest wife and you could never really believe anything she said. So, who knows? It might have been true ... maybe.

There are eleven to twelve million foreign undocument workers in the United States and very few of them are going anywhere. In theory they should not be rewarded for breaking our laws by being granted amnesty, but they will be. In some form or another. I know, they drive down wages in the US, which, in case you haven't figured it out, is exactly why they're going to be staying. Low wages aren't good for you and me, but they are good for someone - the people who pay those low wages. And the people who pay those low wages are the same ones who keep our present gang of legislators in power (also the reason the federal minimum wage hasn't been raised in ten years). QED low wage illegal aliens are staying.

It's ironic, if not downright hypocritical that our dirt-poor low wage foreign ancestors got in free while these guys don't. Here's my story: The first Sommers who made it to America - my great, great Grandpa Jacob Sommers - supposedly burned down his barn in Bavaria for the insurance money and then used it to travel to New York. Us Sommerses have been committing insurance fraud ever since. C'mon, it's a family tradition.

Congress and the Senate (the Republican Congress and Senate) will come up with some immigration law soon, and the President will sign it because he signs everything that crosses his desk. Whatever is in that law won't matter, either, because it won't have anything to do with reality and Americans have a fine tradition of flouting stupid laws. Which is what this one undoubtedly will be. Americans, and I'm one, will see the inherent unfairness of penalizing people looking for opportunity because of when and where they were born.

Our tasty Garbage

My neighbor just showed me his bird-feeder which was viciously mauled - he's guessing by a bear. We both live pretty close to the woods here in Wisconsin, so I think that's probably it. I mean, bears live in the woods and we live by the woods and why wouldn't bears live in our woods? It just goes to figure, don't you think? They're good woods, nothing wrong with them.

I'm not all that scared myself at the thought of bears where I live. While I do have a bird feeder, I'm fortunate in the fact that I'm pretty lazy and I don't fill it so much. Bad for the birds but good for the no-bears. I suppose you could say that this is what happens when humans encroach on wild-life's natural habitat.

Actually, this is what happens when you put out tasty treats for who-ever. Like, if you were in the suburbs and you put pies and cookies out into your front yard, don't you think you would attract some unwelcome visitors? My Uncle used to tell me that if you put out milk and brown sugar it would attract the Brownies (pixie-like creatures - not the fore-runners of girlscouts. They must dress in brown). And maybe that does, in fact, attract the Brownies. I'll bet you it also attracts a lot more than that.

A woman I work with had her daughter and her daughter's family unexpectedly stay with them for a few days. Her daughter also lived somewhat out in the wild - like me - and there were some feral cats nearby in the woods. You can't hunt them! The Wisconsin legislature defeated that bill, so go hunt your cats somewhere else! Anyways, one of the feral cats had a litter of feral kittens so my co-worker's daughter put out kitten chow for the wee darlings. Unknown to her she was actually putting kitten chow out for the darling skunks. She surprised one of the skunks feeding on the kitten chow and we all know what surprised skunks do. It took quite an effort to get the smell out of the house and clothes and such. They had to call in a skunk professional (there are such people, too. They charge a lot, because when you need their services you have little choice).

Wild animals like us because of stuff like that, but mostly what they like about us is our garbage. Do you see that warm friendly dog curled up at your feet? Why do you think he's there? That's right. Garbage. Ten thousand years ago in China his remote ancestors liked out garbage and decided to stick around us humans because of our tasty garbage.

They've been hanging around ever since.

Ed Gein and Fat Kids in Wisconsin

Two Wisconsin news stories were on my radio this morning when I was driving to work.

1. Wisconsin now has the drunkest kids in the nation, and:
2. Ed Gein's former farm house was sold.

In a moment I'm going to magically connect these two things together. But first I'm going to digress.

Wisconsin probably does not have the most serial killer's per capita. I'm going to make a wild guess and say that California is the state that really does. I don't know this for a fact. But I'm probably right. Wisconsin, however, does have two of the most memorable ones, because in addition to Ed Gein, we also have famed cannibal killer Jeffrey Dahmer. Just ask anybody to name two serial killers and I'll bet those are the two names that come up.

Wisconsin did have the highest rate of drinking by adults in the nation, but this thing about us also having the highest rate of drinking among kids is new. I knew we had the fattest kids (and adults, of course). Well, the thing is, since the United States is the fattest country in the world and Wisconsin the fattest in the Us that must mean that we have the fattest, drunkest kids in the world, too. It just stands to reason, doesn't it?

So, what do Ed Gein and fat, drunk kids have in common?

Well, I'll tell you.

A substance abuse counselor has told me that the number one reason he hears for kids drinking in Wisconsin is ... boredom. Aha! And doesn't that explain why they overeat, also? Right! They're bored. They've got nothing better to do with their time than stuff their faces and drown themselves in tasty Milwaukee brewed beer.

Then when they get really bored, they kill people, dance around in their skins and eat them - just like Gein and Dahmer did.

**My novel Rexroi is on-line. Just use the link to the right**