Best Pope EVER

What if the conclave of cardinals had selected me as pope? Could I do any better at leading theWorld's Catholics than the guy they got now? I've criticized him pretty harshly so far. Shouldn't I take a step up to bat just to show that I'm not all talk?

The first thing I've got to find out is if the college of cardinals has something on the order of a recall election for bad Pope choices.

Do they reconvene and admit they made a huge mistake? I'm notsure in this scenario how exactly I got to be Pope. Maybe somebody said: "Hey, I know this Dude in Wisconsin who's real righteous, Man!"And that's how I got all of their votes.

Anyways, when the cardinals would sober up, they would be looking hard at the church by-laws. But let's assume for a moment that they don't change their minds right away.

I would take the name of Alexander VII, because I would wantto follow in the steps of Alexander VI who used to have copulationcontests in the Sistine chapel. (True). I'm not actually sure if there has been an Alexander the VII yet, but if there is I'll call myself AlexanderVII, part deux. I would immediately start speaking Ex Cathedra which would make everything I say in-fallible.

Priestly celibacy would immediately go by the wayside. I would tell those priests that God actually wants them to have girl-friends (or boyfriends. Over twenty one years old, that is) and that its a sin to let their equipment rust. Most of all, God wants thePope (me) to have lots of girlfriends - not wives - girlfriends, becausethe Pope needs his space, Baby, and doesn't like to be tied down. AndGod specified that the Pope should choose his girlfriends from the latest swim-suit catalogs. It's his will.

After that, as Pope, I would do a lot of other good things.

How this affects the apocalypse: If I became Pope, it could only be because it's the Devil's work. Because there's no way in Hell it'll ever happen.