Sunday, May 28, 2006

How to Get your Puppy to agree with Everything You Say


Training dogs to do silly things is a sometime hobby of mine when I have time on hand and a convenient puppy, too. This trick is one that I take quite a bit of joy in, but it was also surprisingly difficult to figure out how to get a puppy to do it like I wanted. The trick is to get the puppy to nod it's head 'Yes' to any question that you ask it.

The first thing you need is the correct treats to bribe your puppy with. It's best to have what's called a 'food motivated dog'. That's usually never a problem since every single one I met was very motivated by food. For treats, I believe in simply getting a different type of dog food then their daily fare and using that; maybe go a little higher end on the 'treat' dog food, something a little tastier and meatier than usual but you really don't have to get too extravagant. What makes the treat rewarding for the puppy is simply you and the way you act.

With your treats handy, sit the puppy down so that it's on it's stomach with it's paws in front of it and it's head up. It's very important that it be in this position so that the only motions it can make are with its head - only. Hold the treat up to it eye level with one hand, with your other hand near the floor. When your puppy is watching it steadily, you ask your question, making sure to raise your voice at the end. Usually my question is: "Are you a smart Girl/Boy?". Then I wiggle the fingers on the hand I have near the floor. The puppy will look down at that, look up towards the treat again, and it's just done the trick. It's nodded its head 'Yes' in response to your question.

Praise the puppy as you give it the treat, showing how happy you are with it. Then repeat this sequence until the puppy stops looking for the wiggling fingers near the floor and nods entirely on its own.

Two things that will not work, by the way, are trying to lead the puppy's head by moving the treat up and down, or physically moving its head up and down yourself. Believe me, both of those strategms are just wastes of time.

The puppy will eventually start nodding its head to any question you ask it, since it will figure out that the main cue is your voice going up at the end of the question. At this point, you can ask your puppy anything at all and it will whole heartedly agree with you - just as long as you keep giving it treats for agreeing with you.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Celebrities Know what's Best for You


We're all getting used to the sight of Irish Rock Star Bono of U2 parading the globe in the company of serious men who take him very seriously. The present US Secretary of Commerce, John Snow, and a former one, Paul O' Neil, both give him high marks for his intelligence and thorough grasp of world wide economics. Right now, several African nations are prospering after having their international debts relieved as a result of Bono's promotion of this solution. So here's the question: Why Bono?

Yes, he knows what he's talking about, for sure. But so do any number of gray un-dashing economists and world leaders. Nobody was making a ruckus when they said the exact same thing supported by graphs, and facts and figures, and PHDs. No, what is took was a sexy rock star to make this whole business look sexy and suddenly everyone's interested - especially the teen-age girls, because if Bono says it: It's hot.

Trooping around not far away from his is the gorgeous and alluring actress Angelina Jolie. The pregnant Mrs. Pitt is the UN Goodwill ambassador who has been touring impoverished areas promoting - I don't know, non-impoverishment. It doesn't matter so much because she is so beautiful to look at that she could be promoting plague and eating dirt and I'd still pay attention. You would, too, I think. It matters little to us that a couple years back she was wearing her husband's blood around her neck as jewelry and tattooing every inch of her skin. Now she's a noble madonna about to give birth to the most blessed child since you-know-who.

For years Oprah Winfrey has been telling people what she thinks they should read. Oprah is an amazing woman and her ability to tell a story through the media is unparalleled. She is a gazillionaire but is that why we assume she has literary taste? If being rich automatically endowed you with taste, then Saudi Sheiks would be the most tasteful men on the Earth, and they really aren't. As far as I know Oprah does not have a literature degree or and English degree and I don't even know that she reads any more than the average Joe on the street. Are we to assume that because we like Oprah we'll also like what she reads? Does anybody seriously need Oprah's help at the bookstore?

My pal Tom Cruise made a lot of enemies when he criticized the use of antipsychotics for the treatment of post-partum depression. He may be right, and there's a good case to be made for the overuse of these medications by the medical community. Tom's simply not the man to make the case. As he lectured today show's Matt Lauer, Matt did not know the history of anti-depressants, but Tom only knew one side of the history and he has no medical degree whatsoever. If I recall correctly, he's a high school drop-out. Not once did Matt Lauer stop to point this out to the TV audience because he knew what we all know: Tom Cruise's opinion is important because his movies bring in tens of millions of dollars at the box office.

It's painful when actors I respect for their acting speak up and say stupid things - well, stuff I disagree with. Charlton Heston gave one of my favorite performances in planet of the Apes, but I absolutely winced when he became President of the National Rifle Association. A brilliant actor was saying some remarkably un-brilliant things and it cheapened my appreciation of the great acting he'd done. I mean, C'mon, Bright Eyes, you don't even know what you're talking about with gun control. Just scream out about the maniacs who are blowing it all up and leave it at that.

Two comedians who used to be funny - used to - have become political hacks of the worst kind. One is Dennis Leary and the other is Al Franken who have each of them taken up positions on the far right and the far left respectively. Both of them are so sour and didactic that it pains me to listen to either of them, forget about belly laughs, because there's not a one left with either of them. They were both guys I liked because they were funny, but I don't any longer because the rhetoric they spought can be found anywhere and done better than they do it.

When entertainers run for office, like Reagan, they truly have a legitimate forum for their views. Vigo Mortenson condemning the war in Iraq while wearing an elf suit is not legitimate. Arnold Schwartzenager winning the governorship of California and having his say is. All politicians come from the citizenry and when the citizenry gives them their vote that means that we also are telling them that we're giving them the right to speak up. Now, Arnold sacrificed the remnants of a fading movie career so it's questionable what he gave up to run California, but we should listen to him now more than we ever should have when he was in a terminator movie.

For the resto of you celebrities who are too lazy to step into the political arena (not Al Franken, he's running for Senate from Minnesota) but for the rest of you I have this advice: All you celebrities just shut up and entertain us. That's what you're being paid to do.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Stop making Britney Cry - You Jerks!


I've got to say that the sight of Britney Spears crying on news show after news show is pretty heart-rending. The latest thing that happened was that she sort of, almost dropped her baby while she was trying to evade the hordes of papparazzi after her. It's all to prove that she's an unfit mother or inadequate as a mother or something like that.

The thing is: there isn't a woman alive who hasn't dropped a child or had an accident happen to her child when they weren't quite looking - something. Every mother's had it happen to them (I'm told). So give her a break already.

Why all the interest anyways? She isn't recording anything or going out on tour or making a horrible, God-awful movie or anything really worth talking about. She isn't even looking all that hot, kind of chubby and rather ordinary looking and not at all the sex-goddess she used to be. No, these days she's just average cute, the kind of girl most guys could marry. I'm not saying she doesn't clean up pretty good - yes, she does! When she's in shape and has her make-up and hair done she looks pretty good, which makes me believe that most women if they were put through the Hollywood machine would come out pretty good.

Let's be honest here: she's not a very bright girl. She's not very educated, either. She sure doesn't sing very hot (and only dances so-so) so why should we care so much what she's doing? I think the answer is that every man wants to think he has a shot at her. And with her, just look at the guys she's married. I know I could step into Kevin Federline's shoe and be a better husband. Couldn't you? Couldn't just about anyone?

So, I'm not giving up hope that maybe one day ... and in the meantime, please stop making my future girlfriend cry, you big jerks!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Desert Sailors

**Before I write my other stuff: Rexroi is now in print. Check it out at the link that says: 'REXROI'. I've also put links to my Australian e-book publisher (he doesn't quite have me up yet, but in another couple of weeks) and the Website to a shop in Wisconsin that sells a lot of fun items.

I had a whole bunch of links to horror websites and such, but they never did me much good, so I don't think I want to junk up my weblog with them. Maybe I'll put a few back just because of the graphics - we'll see.

I didn't do such a good job getting the cover posted. I was having problems with blogger. This is the best I can do for now, but if you really want to see the cover click on the link that says 'REXROI' and you'll see it clearly.

Okay. Here's what I wanted to say about the Navy ...
The Army is now training sailors to perform combat operations, and sailors are right now fighting side by side with soldiers in Iraq. The theory is that this is a method of coordinating combat operations between the US forces so that the military will be better able to work cohesively. It would also be a way to bring less duplication of resources between the different services. Plus, this sort of cross-training gives our combat troops more versatility. Well, that's what the government is saying about this, but you know what?

That's a load of crap.

Obviously it makes absolutely no sense to pluck men and women who have been trained to fight on water and throw them in the middle of the desert. What good are they going to really do, except the ability to provide a heartbeat and stop a bullet that comes their way? The sailors who are doing this aren't doing it absolutely cold, they're given two weeks training at Fort Bragg - as opposed to nine weeks for regular Army - but I've got to say, if my life depended on it I'd sure like more than fourteen days to learn how to preserve it. I believe that the sailors who are doing this are also - and please give them a lot of credit for this - volunteers.

What's happening is that the Army is not able to recruit enough people to join and risk their lives. They also aren't able to find enough reservists or national guardsmen or retired military to fill the ranks. So who does that leave? That leaves anybody who has their name on an enlistment contract, and when your name is on that contract they can do anything with you that they want.

I used to be in the Navy myself so my heart goes out to these poor sailors. I can imagine what my reaction would have been when I was informed of my new duty station in the sand dunes. Sure, I trained for one day on an M-16. But that was so I could put a pretty ribbon on my chest. It sure wasn't so that I could use it against terrorists who wanted to kill me as much as they could manage.

When I was a linguist I trained right alongside Air Force, Army, and Marine troops. Most of my time in the military was, in fact, spent on Air Force bases. There was talk back then about combining the intelligence sections of these services into one and being something sort of separate. The joke was that we would be the Security Service (SS) and could all wear black uniforms with SS on our collars. That was some black humor there (and it never happened, either, by the way - that I know of). Okay, so that was a sensible argument about combining resources because we were all doing almost exactly the same thing.

But this? No. A sailor should fight on the water. Soldiers fight on land. And marines fight wherever they need to. That's the way it should be.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Gigolos of the Midwest

I met Jerry when I was going to school at the University of Minnesota. Jerry was in his mid-thirties, tall, blond and I guess I would have to admit that he was a handsome man. It took me awhile to figure this guy out because he let his personal history out in little dribs and drabs. He'd been a student at the U until he was thirty, at which point his parents decided that he was never actually going to graduate and they stopped throwing good money after bad.

To make ends meet Jerry took up two different professions: He was a dance instructor and then he was a nude model. When I met him he was still doing the modeling thing, but also working at a very upscale grocery store. Eventually Jerry got several months behind in his rent and I wondered what he was going to do, though I really shouldn't have worried much since it looks like he had a plan. I started seeing him in the company of silver-haired woman - maybe about twenty years older than Jerry - and each time I saw him it looked like Jerry was better dressed than the last time.

Then the light bulb went on over my head.

Jerry was a gigolo.

His choice of professions had been dictated by the fact that they allowed him to meet and talk with older, lonely women. And ply his trade. He never told me this in so many words, but it sure explained why he had been able to live with no permanent address for so many years. At thirty five, he was getting a little long in the tooth for his chosen career, so the last thing I heard he had settled down with her and I guess she had settled for him, too.

Most Gigolos here in the Midwest take a different route to living off the earnings of women. We have our pimps, of course, but that's not what I'm talking about. Most of the gigolos here marry their marks. If you want to do it yourself it's pretty simple.

Here's how it works: To be a midwestern gigolo you - unfortunately - have to start by looking like you have something on the ball to attract your future mark. Not everyone has Jerry's looks or charms, so you have to have a job. It doesn't have to be a good one - steady will do. Get your mark to marry you, or if you move in with her make sure that she's paying the rent on the place.

Then lose your job.

That's it. You're a gigolo. Just live off of her for as many years as you can manage until she divorces you. Then collect alimony.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Reverse Recruiting


When I was going to college I had just gotten out of the Navy, and was still in the Reserves so I used to get asked a lot by younger men whether I thought they should go into the military. At that time I had about five years on them, which counted for a lot. Usually, these guys would give me two reasons for their desire to enlist: 1) They wanted to get into shape and boot camp looked like a wonderful way to do that, and 2) They just needed more discipline in their lives.

Unfortunately, my approach back then was to be fair and even-handed. It was a serious question, after all, and it deserved a serious answer. Therefore, instead of screaming out: "Good God, No!!" I would give them a well-reasoned discussion of the pros and cons of the military. Never did I directly address the two main issues above, but I will now, So ... 1) If you want get into shape, join a gym or get yourself a personal trainer, you don't need to ruin the next three or four years of your life, and 2) No. You do not want more discipline in your life, you want less. You want somebody else to wake you up in the morning and feed you and put a roof over your head and tell you what to wear and do every day of your life. If you truly wanted more discipline in your life you would do so by being more disciplined ... you know, setting your alarm clock in the morning, and showing up for classes, and study when your supposed to - that sort of thing.

Nope. I didn't say that. I talked about the commitment of time and the difficulties, but I also mentioned the good things the military could do for you. For example, it can teach valuable job skills, or, as in my case, it can provide tuition assistance and the opportunity to earn extra money - like in the Reserves. The fact that you could die never once entered the equation, but this was long before we were at war in Iraq under President Bush (take your pick which one). The military at that time was viewed sort of as a civil service job where you wore the same thing every day. We were post Vietnam and there wasn't much appetite for US foreign adventures.

As a result of my lack of being totally, clear about a half a dozen of these guys actually did enlist. Really, I should have not said anything at all about the upside, because the downside far outweighed the benefits. Or maybe I should have heartily recommended that they enlist for long, long years so they would do the opposite. Either way, I feel bad that because of my careful approach they each had years of rude awakenings, starting with that first day in Boot Camp.

I'll let you in on a secret: Pretty much nobody who enlisted actually read their enlistment contract when they signed it - pretended to, didn't. I remember that I made a show of looking it over carefully, but that was just for the recruiter's benefit so he wouldn't think I was a naive schmuck. Well, he knew better and the fact of the matter is that I was a naive schmuck. Nobody who understood what was in that contract would put their name on it.

Years later when I was in the Reserves I attended a mandatory Rights and Responsibilities seminar on one of my weekends. As part of this seminar, the lecturer handed out standard enlistment contracts and mentioned that we could keep them if we felt like it. So I did, and I looked over at leisure when I got home that night. I've got to tell you that I was appalled, not only because long ago I had signed the damn thing, but because this was the contract that I was still obligated to. Among the jewels I discovered were these facts: 1) The Navy wasn't required to pay me if they didn't want to, 2) The Navy could extend this contract indefinitely, and 3) They only had to feed me one meal every third day.

So, Young Men here is my advice: Do not join the military because you can die. You will not get into any better shape than you could on your own. If you achieve more discipline in your life, it won't matter because you might die. You can get college money other places.

There. That's exactly what I should have said from the start. Any more questions?