The Liberation of Canada

The comedian John Candy in one of his last films starred in a movie where Canada and the United States go to war against each other. It's supposed to be a comedy, but I just found something out and it makes me wonder if it's such a funny idea after all. You see, Canada has oil. Before, there was really no reason for the United States to invade, because what do they have after all? Trees? Beavers? Snow? We got that stuff down here already and we got all that we need already. Thank you.

But oil? Hmmm. It's all locked up in sand this oil, so it's only now getting really economical to dig it our rather than pump it out. Well, they got a lot of it in that sand so I've been thinking ..

You know, Canada does have nuclear weapons or as I should phrase it 'weapons of mass destruction'. That's right. And I'm feeling pretty threatened by them having weapons of mass destruction so that means that the United States is being threatened by Canada's weapons of mass destruction. Do you see where I'm going here?

Of course we'll have to have UN weapons inspectors go in there and inspect for weapons, but those weapons inspectors will be duped by the wiley Canadians. Count on it! And forget about sanctions because they'll find a way around those too. That leaves only one alternative - and you can bet that the last thing a country led by two former oil executives would want to do is invade a country with tons of the stuff - but regretfully that's what must happen.

The leader of Canada you must know is a tyrannical despot. I don't know the guy's name but I do know that he's a horrible dictator who is oppressing his own citizens. Canada has a prison system and some Canadians have to be in there by mistake, so - if you think about it - this monster is unjustly jailing his own people in his gulag of torture chambers. We would be doing them all such a favor by overthrowing this villain for them. When our tanks roll down their streets they'll absolutely be throwing rose petals in front of them in gratitude and joy.

And another thing: in Canada they have socialized medicine which is pretty close to Communism. So, we definitely need to bring them Democracy and our superior form of health care. You can't imagine how much they'll thank us for that one.

For some reason when the United States does make the decision to invade an oil-rich nation like Canada gas prices go up along with oil company profits. I'm not sure exactly why, though I think it has something to do with using their oil wealth to rebuild their own infrastructure. That must be it because nobody here in America would be lining their pockets with their stolen wealth. That just doesn't happen.

It will be a sacrifice to all of us to pay for the military expenses and higher energy costs, I know. But I guess that's just the price we all have to pay to liberate our dear neighbors up North.