Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Hefner Dances


If you want a good belly laugh check out one of the episodes of 'The Girl's Next Door' when Hugh Hefner is out at a nightclub dancing with some of his girlfriends, bunnies, playmates et al. Good God, this guy puts out less effort at his dancing then most men. Granted, old Hugh walks with a bent over shuffle now so just standing upright is pretty good for him, but I saw film clips of his dancing from decades earlier and he wasn't much better. Even back then he did the Junior High side to side foot drag with truncated arm swing.

Well, Why should he put any effort into it? He knows for a fact that he's going to get more lucky that night than I ever will and that's the only reason to dance - hoping you get lucky. Let me you into a secret here: No straight man really likes dancing so much. It's all for the ladies and almost always the last thing in the world you ever want to do.

The last time I was ever on a dance floor it was because I was dragged out there. The times have been few indeed where I actually asked somebody to dance with me.

It seems to be different for women. They dance because it's an activity they want to engage in for it's own sake, much like taking a hot bath. Can someone explain that to me? I've asked women what on Earth is so great about laying in hot water and all I ever get is vague evasions as if it weren't the bath itself but something else, something else they were doing in that hot bath all alone by themselves without their clothes on ... hey, wait a minute!

Okay, now I get it.

After many years, I've finally figured out a way not to disgrace myself so thoroughly on the dance floor. I call it faux dancing. Here's how it works: When I must dance I try to equip myself with some distractors, these are distractors to distract my partner from how crappy I'm dancing. My two favorite distractors used to be to have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Thus, every time I would miss a step I would take a sip off my cocktail, another misstep - a puff on my cigarette, a really bad one: Sip and a puff both. Then to further distract my partner I would lean in and make some sort of conversation.

Of course, I would have to make some sorts of motions with my body so my ploy was to sort of kind of mirror my partner - figuring she probably knows how to dance - and sort of kind of mirroring her makes it look like I do, too. When she twirls under my outstretched arm, I know I'm home free.

Back to Hugh. The guy's got a pretty good life now. I wonder to myself whether I would change places with him and take over his life, if I suddenly had to be an eighty year old man but with free hot sex with pretty much as many beautiful women as me and my viagra could handle. That's a hard hypothetical question, for sure. But you know what? If I live long enough I will be an eighty year old man and I probably won't be having hot blondes sharing my bed then. So all things considered if I could suddenly assume Hugh Hefner's life right now I'd do it, even if I didn't dance so hot.

For some reason my letters, phone calls and E-mails requesting an invitation to the Playboy Mansion go unheeded. Unheeded if you don't count restraining orders - and I don't. By the way, even though I hold the patent on faux dancing any other man who wants to can use it. It's work pretty good for me and it probably will for you, too.

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