Google Me!

Actually, I can save you the trouble. I don't exist in Google World. When you google my name you get people who share my name, but aren't actually me. I just tried it and I was, like, seventy or eighty entries out before I figured out that Google refuses to acknowledge my existence, which of course led me to an existential philosphical crisis. If I don't exist on Google, do I exist at all?

But Steve, you may ask, if you don't exist, then who's writing this?

That is a very good question.

I like to imagine that old friends that I've long ago lost contact with, from time to time, will google my name and then wonder to themselves whether that could really be me. For example, the number one Google answer for Steve Sommers is film-maker Stephen Sommers, nicknamed 'Steve', who did the Mummy movies and the Scorpian King, which I rather liked, and then he did the totally dreadful Van Helsing, which I wanted to like, but couldn't. He had one other movie that I thought was good, but I can't recall the title. From time to time, I've hoped that people will, in fact, somehow mistake me for him, you know, like they'll see my book and think he wrote it and want to read it mistakenly. I'd be okay with that. Sommers has written his own books (or maybe I should say 'written') but I've never read any of them.

The next Steve Sommers that comes up is a wacky DJ who does a trucker radio show down South. I think it's called the 'bozo' hour. It strikes me that it might not exactly consist of the witty Oscar Wilde-like sophisticated humor that I'm so fond of. However, if anyone did want me to be a co-host of a wacky trucker show - I'd do it. A paycheck's a paycheck and I'm not going to look down my nose at what somebody else might consider entertainment. If the money were right, I'd be yelling 'Yee-haw!' at the top of my lungs for as long as the checks cleared.

The Third Steve Sommers is gay, male, porn actor Steve Sommers. I'm definitely not him. Not because I'm anti-gay (I'm not) and not because I'm anti-porn (no, no, no), but I seriously doubt that I have the other 'qualifications' .. ahem ... that the job would require. I do wonder if somebody, somewhere saw that listing for gay, male, pornstar Steve Sommers and thought to themselves: "Yes, I knew this is how he would end up."

Looking yourself up on Google is supposed to be an ego trip for most people, but not at all for me.

(Look me up on Yahoo! I'm listed second and third).

How this affects the Apocalypse: I hope Jehovah uses Google so he won't be able to find me come judgement day.